Sunday, January 3, 2010

Ducks In A Row

I'm sitting here at my iMac trying to figure out what to write. Whenever I'm in the shower or driving around in my car it seems words flow easily. However, when I am finally at a place where I can put those words into writing, I blank. I twirl my hair and just stare at the screen. Maybe if I stare long enough, it'll all just write itself.

As long as I can remember people have told me that I am type A. You know the type; anal retentive, organized, uptight and stressed. I can't fully deny those accusations but I can't fully admit to them either. For a lack of a better way to say it, I would actually call myself a fake type A person. "What does that mean?", you may be wondering. Well, I like things to look tidy and organized on the outside. I can assure you however, my ducks are never really in a row. I used to get pretty lucky though, the ducks seemed to just organize themselves. Not so much anymore. I even used to fake my way through jobs. Somehow I always seemed to manage to look like I knew what I was doing, others seemed to think so, but I never really did. I still don't know what I'm doing most of the time be it at work or at home.

That's really sad to me. How can I spend all of my time not knowing what I'm doing? Faking my way through life? What a horrible existence. I've been spending a lot of time trying to figure out how to get around all of this. I've come to the conclusion that I need to start my life from the ground up. A new place, new experiences and a new career. A career that is mine. I want to make my own name in the world. I don't want to be famous or anything, but I want to give my children, my husband, my family, friends and myself something to be proud of.

I used to believe it when people would tell me that you do things because you just have to. You just have to live up to some social stigma because if you don't you'll be viewed a certain way. Well, I've come to the realization that if you spend all of your time worrying about how people will view you and how your decisions will make you look, you will never be happy. I don't want to have a job because I "just have to". I want to have a job because it's what I love. I want to love my life. I want my children to see a happy mother. Money, debt, bills, stress, anxiety, hate, depression... these are all where the devil lives.

I am not a religious person. I do believe in God and life after death. I feel that if I were to die tomorrow I'd be a lost soul on the the Earth, trying to finish up all of my unfinished business. I feel like I'd know that my life wasn't everything it should have been and that it was my own fault. I sure hope I don't die tomorrow after saying all of that, but the point is that I want to start taking steps toward reaching my goals. When I do die, I want to know that I lived my life to my fullest and that I gave my children everything I could and they in turn learn to live their lives to the fullest and teach their children the same.

Money truly is the root of all evil. If I am completely debt free or have 100,000 dollars worth of debt I'm still going to die someday and in the end, does it all really matter? I really don't think the Good Lord is going to deny you entrance through the pearly gates if you have debt. I think the most important thing in life is to just do what you love. Always do what you love. Not what your uncle loves, not what Grandma loves, not what your best friend loves.... what YOU love. At the end of the day, you answer to yourself not to anyone else. If you find yourself crying or bitching to yourself at the end of the day, you are not doing what you love.

With all that said, there will be a day when I'll truly be able to say I'm doing what I love and not just working for a paycheck. I will have a photography studio someday. I will own my own business. Be it here in Chicago, in San Francisco or in Timbuktu it will all come to fruition. I will make my children, family and friends happy and proud of me. Most importantly, I will make me proud of me. A person's happiness in life is what makes a person shine. I hope to shine someday.

1 comment:

Katie said...

Congrats on finding the path you want to follow, some of us are still searching!