Tuesday, August 3, 2010

My Ultimate Plan

Today I'd like to talk about a plan that I like to call "Monster Molding ".

What is monster molding you might wonder?  Well, it's my brilliant tactic to make everyone around me suffer should I bring my children out in public.  The inspiration for this plan hit me like a ton of bricks and although telling people my secret may set myself up for permanent ridicule, I'm willing to take that risk.

So, what is involved here?  I'm going to make it very easy for everyone by providing a step-by-step instructional guide towards shaping those little angels of yours into public monsters.  In five simple beginner steps, you'll be off to a great start towards wreaking havoc all over town.  Your success is my success, so let's get started!


Step #1:  Overbreeding.

There is no such thing as too many children.  Anyone who believes that should be hit over the head with a wet mop.  The more children you have, the more monsters you can mold, hence the more successful you will be at clearing a grocery store before you even get the herd into your cart.  HAVE AS MANY CHILDREN AS YOU CAN!

Step #2:  Screaming Lessons.

This step is easy, self explanatory and requires next to no effort.  Let's continue to use the grocery store as an example.  Let's say you are walking down the cereal aisle.  Gather your children around, lean in closely (make sure to furrow your brow so it looks like you are trying to quietly scold them) and whisper to them, "When I count to 3, I want you to scream the type of cereal you'd like all at once, at the top of your lungs, two or three times.  Oh, and any crying would help.  One... two... three... ".  (Disclaimer - make sure that when the screaming is done you threaten them that should they do that at home you will tear off their arms and beat them with the bloody stumps.  Remember, we are breeding PUBLIC monsters, not home based monsters.)

The great thing about screaming lessons is that they can be done anywhere.  Next time you are at a restaurant with your children, try it out!  After all, it's nice to have a restaurant all to yourselves!

Step #3:  Encourage Hide and Seek.

The moment you set foot in a public spot, tell your kids to go hide and you'll find them all before you leave.  This way, you can shop in peace and you know your kids are having a good time too.  They'll be giggling behind the racks and running around looking for the best hiding spots.  Worried about them getting lost or stolen?  Don't fret.  Prep them ahead of time!  Give them all watches with beeping alarms on them.  Set it for about an hour and instruct them that when the alarm goes off they are to find a store employee and start crying that he/she can't find mommy.  It'll add to the excitement of the game and your children may even get to hear their names over the intercom.  It'll be a great day for them!  For even greater fun, make sure to tell them it's okay to jump out and scare other patrons.

Step #4:  Register Temper Tantrums.

This one should be set up prior to entering a store and requires due diligence.  Tell the children that when you get to the register you want them to ask for every piece of candy they see.  Advise them that you will say no and that they should follow that up with a bought of screaming, laying on the floor and flailing their arms and legs about.  The more kids that you can get on the floor the better.  Let them know that you will look temporarily petrified, but it's all in good fun and you will hand them their favorite candy as long as they promise to then act like the little angels they are at home.  After carrying out this step, your children should now be silently happy with their candy.  Make sure that you look around with a half smile, shrug your shoulders at the cashier and everyone else around you and say, "kids!".  It'll add to the effect.

Step #5:  Bring the Husband When Possible.

When both parents head on out with their monstrously trained bunch, it really gets heads to turn.  You want that attention.  You want to make people wonder why you'd be crazy enough to venture out as a family instead of keeping one parent at home with those out of control kids.  Truth is, this is WAY more fun.  The whole family should be able to take part in this public entertainment.  Do it often!  Family time is much too important to waste!


So, now that I've given you the tools that you need to create public deviants, go out and give it a try!  The more people that grunt and groan the better!  Eye rolls are also definite signs of success.  You're really succeeding if someone approaches you and tells you that you are spoiling your children, that they deserve a good swat in the rear or (the creme de la creme) that you are a bad parent and don't deserve such precious gifts.  (If the latter happens, ask said person wearingly if they'd like to take the kids off your hands... I guarantee a comical look of disgust as they stomp away while again giving you the opportunity to turn, chuckle and pat yourself on the back for a job well done.)

Pass this on to as many parents as possible.  This step-by-step guide could even be a great baby shower gift!  The more people that breed public monsters, the more the planet becomes ours!  AH HAH HAH HAH HAH!!

One last piece of advice.  Make sure to reward your children after each monstrous outing.  Let them know that they are making Mommy (and Daddy too) proud and they should keep up the good work!

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