Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Castle Broz

Once upon a time, at about midnight, a beautiful princess decided "yo, Mom, I don't care to sleep!".  Despite the Mom's many efforts, the princess just wanted to cry and be angry.  So, the Mom decided to drug her with some Roxicet in hopes of a more peaceful evening.  The beautiful princess must have known of her Mom's plan though and did her best to stay awake.  At least for another hour.

At the same time, the near deaf prince decided that his bed must be too prickly.  The couch would be a much better fit.  Sleeping was not in his plan either though.  His sister princess and he must have been plotting together.  For if the Mom doesn't sleep, she will spend extra time with them.

How wrong they were though.  The Mom would get up and pacify the princess... with a... pacifier and then she would try to put her prince back in his own bed.  After so much of this the Mom decided that letting them work it out on their own would be a much better plan.  So she went forth with it.  The prince was allowed on the couch with a blanket and the princess was allowed to "cry it out a little".  Finally, the two siblings found themselves sleeping at last.

Come morn' the other princes of the castle arose.  Once they went off to their place of education, the Mom found they did not put away the royal peanut butter or bread and left a royal mess.  A royal pain in the ass.  

The Mom called the Dad and said, "what the hell, man?".  The Dad tried to reassure the Mom that the royal children weren't doing it on purpose but the Mom didn't care.  The Mom didn't have a lamp to rub so she rubbed her royal 16.9 fl oz of Coca Cola and begged for some patience.  Too bad the genie was off today.

Once the near deaf prince and princess were fed, the Mom made some eggs.  The highlight of her day.  Perfectly cooked with just a smidgen of salt and pepper and glass of pineapple/orange/banana juice. Then the Mom tried to put the princess down for a royal mid-day slumber.  At first the princess agreed that a sleep would be most lovely, but once the Mom got in her noon time shower, she decided that it was a waste of her royal time.  The Mom's shower ended up being quick and stressful instead.  But the Mom tried to whistle a happy tune and move along.

By this time it was near time for the princess to eat again.  She was up and demanding a meal.  The Mom obliged.  The princess downed all of her sweet potatoes and corn with the finesse of a Tyrannosaurus on a lamb.  She snuffed the commoner's cow's milk, however.  The Mom decided to send the cow's milk through the princess's special tubey.  The princess was infuriated by this decision.  So she decided to let the Mom have it.  She game the Mom every lick of sweet potatoes and corn and commoner's cow's milk right back.  The Mom cried and cried because she just wanted her princess to eat.  Then the Mom had an epiphany.  "If you shall bathe your princess and change her royal bed sheets, you should fully expect a royal vomit."  Two things the Mom had done that very morning.  Duh.

The Mom then decided to grab a blanket and crawl under it for about an hour alone.  When she resurfaced, she smelled a smell so unholy that even God probably wouldn't forgive it.  The near deaf prince had unloaded in his royal jeans.  It was everywhere.  Poo.  The Mom cleaned him up and then went to rinse his royal poopified jeans when a small circle turd fell right out.  There was nothing cute or royal about it.  The Mom wiped her weepy, forlorn eyes for about the tenth time and cleaned up the small turd and the royal jeans.

The Dad came home from work and tried to help the Mom calm down a bit.  The Mom decided to leave instead to pick up a treadmill she would be receiving from a friend.  The Mom knows she needs to lose the spare tire around her waste.  Upon leaving the castle, however, she found the local roads closed down.  She had to think fast and find a way around.  Nothing was going to stop her from her spare tire reducing device.  It took the Mom a few extra minutes, but she found her way there.  She picked up her treadmill and quickly returned to the castle where all of the other princes were enjoying their evening supper.  The princess then decided to vomit up her dinner.  The other princes decided that loud was the new quiet and the near deaf prince wanted to just eat shredded cheese.  The Mom rolled her eyes and cracked open a royal beer. 

The Mom had a long, sleepless night and an interesting, messy day but is hoping that tomorrow will be a more Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah day.

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